I Killed Her. She’s Dead.

20160315_152311.jpgI stood above her: breath bated, fingers itching. I stood, staring, anxiously waiting for her once again to shine her light upon me.

I swear I tried to revive her. I pounded my fists upon her, once, twice, a hundred times. I screamed to her come back to me… please come back to me. I bowed my head towards her to whisper softly how I regretted my actions. How I wished I could take it all back. If I could rewind time, just the last forty five minutes. That small measure of time is all I needed back. I would have never shoved her hastily in that grey bag, sealing it up shut. Never would I have tossed her in the back of my car, buried beneath bags and bags of stuff, concealing her. As I screeched out of the driveway, I relived our moments together. The years we shared. How connected we were. Those intimate moments when my fingers tips were upon her, my eyes locked in gaze upon her light. She was always there for me just waiting idioly until I wanted her. Casually I’d slide back into the couch and place her on my lap, feeling her warmth against my thighs. Together in these moments we’d create magic. Our own world. We’d explore together. Learn together. Create together.

All of that was over now. I knew it but wasn’t ready to accept it. I unzipped the bag and yanked her out. I knew instantly something was wrong. She wasn’t the same. She was too hot to the touch. She’d always been sensitive to temperature. But please no… I need her. Please come back to life. I thought to myself in those panicked moments waiting for her to respond. But there was nothing, only black. She made one last groan and I knew she was gone. Gone. My haste has cost me. My carelessness. I thought she’d make the short car trip. I thought she’d be okay.

R.I.P. my beautiful Sony Vaio. So many stories, poems, blogs we have shared. All the late night hours creating my website, the secret stalking on Facebook and endless pinning on Pinterest. All of that is over now. I never thought to power her down before I quickly stuffed her into my laptop bag. It was just a quick drive. No big deal. But she was suffocated on that fateful car trip. Ugh!!! Fickle computers one minute you’re there typing away and the next they give you the black screen of death.

I haven’t replaced her yet. I’m not ready to move on. Secretly I think if I try one more time maybe by some miracle she’ll turn on. But I know deep down this won’t come true. She’s gone for good. Her hard drive filled with my work she’s keeping locked up… for now anyways. I’ve scheduled an autopsy for her soon. We’ll get the information I need from her then.

And I had to write this blog from my phone. It stinks. Sorry if it’s not up to standard. My options for posting are limited on my phone app. Better limited than not at all. Anyone interested in a laptop shaped paper weight? In good used condition. Ha, ha. Oh boy…. time to search for a new laptop. A new chapter.

Until next time, with a heavy heart and empty laptop bag,

❤ Melissa

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Happy Birthday to sasloveswords.com

Happy-Birthday-balloons-vector-1Happy Friday everyone! And happy 1st birthday to my website!! Bring on the balloons, hang up the streamers, let’s celebrate! One year has flown by… I can’t believe it. I owe another huge thank you to all of you who were with me from the beginning and for everyone that joined along the way. Your support is immeasurable, truly. As with any new adventure, the first year had its ups and downs; sometimes to the point where I wasn’t sure if I would be able to continue, but when I saw people reading my words and responding with such encouragement it pushed me to not give up that easy. So who wants cake? Ha!

There are some things I learned along the way this year. First thing was I am more tech-savvy than I thought I was. Okay so a lot of credit has to go to WordPress for supporting my site and giving me a template to work with, but not everything was so straight forward. I still had to figure out how many tabs to create, sub-tabs, how load the information to those tabs. I am not web designer, so I basically just was flying by the seat of my pants and making it up as I go. Secondly I discovered a deeper understanding of myself through writing my posts each week. I understand more how my self-doubt and fear holds me back from my potential and when I get the courage up to push myself passed those boundaries wonderful things happen, like meeting complete strangers all over the world who I connect with. It’s amazing! I also learned that it’s really okay to take a little selfish time to myself, let the laundry pile up and the dirt sit on the floors a little longer, so I can have some time to do something I am so passionate about. I have written almost 40,000 words in my book, rediscovered a love of my poetry, revisited old short stories and fueled my love of the written word. I took a weekend by myself to go to a writer’s seminar which really inspired me and gave me more tools in my belt. I feel like I have come far, but still have far to go. The year ahead is not going to be an easy one to balance, for reasons I am not yet ready to tell the world, but I will persevere and do my best. I will keep my heart and mind open to new experiences, to find inspiration every where I can and to enjoy each day as it comes with the highs and the lows.

I hope you will bare with me and stick around to see where the next year will lead. I will continue to post my poetry, book reviews and random writing thoughts and adventures. I will stay consist as much as I possibly can.

Thank you all for reading; thank you for sharing; thank you for being there; thank you for your encouragement.

Happy, happy birthday to my blog!! Cheers!!!

❤ Melissa

Emotional Recklessness

QuoteHappy Friday! It’s a bittersweet Friday for me. I’m happy because it is the weekend, but I’m anxious because it’s Friday already. I feel like it was an hour ago that I was scrambling last week to get a post up and here I am again this week in full panic mode. This is no way to write, under all that pressure. It took me all of today obsessing about it and repeating in my mind… you have nothing to say… you have nothing to say… you’re going to skip this week… I know it… you’re going to fail yourself and post a big fat nothing.

I am emotionally reckless. I am tearing my writer self apart for not prioritizing my writing more. Even during the crazy rush of Christmas, I didn’t feel this far behind. The days are literally slipping through my fingers. My son Dylan was sick at the end of last week and the beginning of this week, so he was needy. He only wanted Mommy snuggles at bedtime which is usually when Dad takes over and I can get a few moments to myself. I have been working hard on trying to get a family trip to Kelowna organized and booked. That is not an easy task with nine of us involved. My house is a train wreck, almost to the point where I was considering moving to save myself the hours and hours of cleaning it. That took up a huge chunk of my day yesterday and will again today. I looked into it… it was too expensive to move, so I had to clean. I have to do a bunch of planning still for Dylan’s party including some baking this weekend. The only break I got so far this week was a couple of hours to write my book. Although I was trying to come up with every distraction I could before I convinced myself to sit down and write. But I did. Slowly and steadily the word count is growing. 36,272 words written!

Even my office job is so busy at the moment that it can get overwhelming at times. The only time at work when I feel like I can get a moment to breathe is when I spend my hour lunch break in the gym. Thank God for that quiet alone time to myself. Our gym is the size of a closet but it is functional and ninety-nine percent of the time I am alone.

All of this is making me feel edgy and anxious. Especially writing my weekly blog. It is probably just a phase I am going through, but I feel like I have lost direction and focus here. I am not sure what my message is. I want to share my poems and book reviews. The blogs in between are just my random thoughts relating to life and writing. Is that enough to sustain me? Am I talking about things people want to read about? Am I saying something people can relate to? Oh those self-doubt demons are lurking around me. They are wanting me to make excuses and give up. It is easier to run and hide then stay and fight. I am emotional reckless:, tired, scared, anxious, happy, frustrated, overwhelmed, hopeful.

I am going to end this week on hopeful. I am hopeful above all the rest. Hopeful in my heart I know the direction I am taking my writing. Hopeful I am capable of maintaining balance. Hopeful I can continue to forgive myself when I don’t. Hopeful I remember I am human and am I doing the best I can at each moment of my life.

80s-life-quotes

❤ Melissa