Happy Friday! It’s a bittersweet Friday for me. I’m happy because it is the weekend, but I’m anxious because it’s Friday already. I feel like it was an hour ago that I was scrambling last week to get a post up and here I am again this week in full panic mode. This is no way to write, under all that pressure. It took me all of today obsessing about it and repeating in my mind… you have nothing to say… you have nothing to say… you’re going to skip this week… I know it… you’re going to fail yourself and post a big fat nothing.
I am emotionally reckless. I am tearing my writer self apart for not prioritizing my writing more. Even during the crazy rush of Christmas, I didn’t feel this far behind. The days are literally slipping through my fingers. My son Dylan was sick at the end of last week and the beginning of this week, so he was needy. He only wanted Mommy snuggles at bedtime which is usually when Dad takes over and I can get a few moments to myself. I have been working hard on trying to get a family trip to Kelowna organized and booked. That is not an easy task with nine of us involved. My house is a train wreck, almost to the point where I was considering moving to save myself the hours and hours of cleaning it. That took up a huge chunk of my day yesterday and will again today. I looked into it… it was too expensive to move, so I had to clean. I have to do a bunch of planning still for Dylan’s party including some baking this weekend. The only break I got so far this week was a couple of hours to write my book. Although I was trying to come up with every distraction I could before I convinced myself to sit down and write. But I did. Slowly and steadily the word count is growing. 36,272 words written!
Even my office job is so busy at the moment that it can get overwhelming at times. The only time at work when I feel like I can get a moment to breathe is when I spend my hour lunch break in the gym. Thank God for that quiet alone time to myself. Our gym is the size of a closet but it is functional and ninety-nine percent of the time I am alone.
All of this is making me feel edgy and anxious. Especially writing my weekly blog. It is probably just a phase I am going through, but I feel like I have lost direction and focus here. I am not sure what my message is. I want to share my poems and book reviews. The blogs in between are just my random thoughts relating to life and writing. Is that enough to sustain me? Am I talking about things people want to read about? Am I saying something people can relate to? Oh those self-doubt demons are lurking around me. They are wanting me to make excuses and give up. It is easier to run and hide then stay and fight. I am emotional reckless:, tired, scared, anxious, happy, frustrated, overwhelmed, hopeful.
I am going to end this week on hopeful. I am hopeful above all the rest. Hopeful in my heart I know the direction I am taking my writing. Hopeful I am capable of maintaining balance. Hopeful I can continue to forgive myself when I don’t. Hopeful I remember I am human and am I doing the best I can at each moment of my life.