I Killed Her. She’s Dead.

20160315_152311.jpgI stood above her: breath bated, fingers itching. I stood, staring, anxiously waiting for her once again to shine her light upon me.

I swear I tried to revive her. I pounded my fists upon her, once, twice, a hundred times. I screamed to her come back to me… please come back to me. I bowed my head towards her to whisper softly how I regretted my actions. How I wished I could take it all back. If I could rewind time, just the last forty five minutes. That small measure of time is all I needed back. I would have never shoved her hastily in that grey bag, sealing it up shut. Never would I have tossed her in the back of my car, buried beneath bags and bags of stuff, concealing her. As I screeched out of the driveway, I relived our moments together. The years we shared. How connected we were. Those intimate moments when my fingers tips were upon her, my eyes locked in gaze upon her light. She was always there for me just waiting idioly until I wanted her. Casually I’d slide back into the couch and place her on my lap, feeling her warmth against my thighs. Together in these moments we’d create magic. Our own world. We’d explore together. Learn together. Create together.

All of that was over now. I knew it but wasn’t ready to accept it. I unzipped the bag and yanked her out. I knew instantly something was wrong. She wasn’t the same. She was too hot to the touch. She’d always been sensitive to temperature. But please no… I need her. Please come back to life. I thought to myself in those panicked moments waiting for her to respond. But there was nothing, only black. She made one last groan and I knew she was gone. Gone. My haste has cost me. My carelessness. I thought she’d make the short car trip. I thought she’d be okay.

R.I.P. my beautiful Sony Vaio. So many stories, poems, blogs we have shared. All the late night hours creating my website, the secret stalking on Facebook and endless pinning on Pinterest. All of that is over now. I never thought to power her down before I quickly stuffed her into my laptop bag. It was just a quick drive. No big deal. But she was suffocated on that fateful car trip. Ugh!!! Fickle computers one minute you’re there typing away and the next they give you the black screen of death.

I haven’t replaced her yet. I’m not ready to move on. Secretly I think if I try one more time maybe by some miracle she’ll turn on. But I know deep down this won’t come true. She’s gone for good. Her hard drive filled with my work she’s keeping locked up… for now anyways. I’ve scheduled an autopsy for her soon. We’ll get the information I need from her then.

And I had to write this blog from my phone. It stinks. Sorry if it’s not up to standard. My options for posting are limited on my phone app. Better limited than not at all. Anyone interested in a laptop shaped paper weight? In good used condition. Ha, ha. Oh boy…. time to search for a new laptop. A new chapter.

Until next time, with a heavy heart and empty laptop bag,

❤ Melissa

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Poetry Friday – Falls Down

Happy Friday everyone. Hope you are doing well. Last week was an emotional one for me because our family lost a member. I really wanted to blog about it this week, but I’m not quite emotional strong enough to dive into those emotions yet. They are difficult and I need some more time to deal with them internally. It certainly has opened my eyes again to how precious and short life is. Every day is a gift to spend with the people you love in the life. I don’t take that for-granted.  This week I wanted to share a poem with you that is about rebirth and allowing yourself to take that step forward to embracing a new and better life. Sometimes the hardest thing we can ever do is take that first step to wanting something more, something greater. That’s the feeling I wanted to capture in this piece. I hope you enjoy it. I wish you a safe, happy and peaceful weekend filled with much love. Take care. Thank you for stopping by once again.

❤ Melissa


Falls Down

I am so close
almost passed the world’s edge,
stood for hours, days, years,
now a moment too long.
Step once more no resistance,
only air whispering past my ears.
With the closing of my eyes,
all I have now, seconds.

Look up at this sky,
I’m faster now, in perfect silence.
Couldn’t you have held me all-embracing
ignoring the ending day?
Wouldn’t you just sever that ferocity
in words surrounding us?
Shouldn’t you weep just
once for murder?

Did I steady myself to fall
with conviction to you
or be alone?
Was that step so effortless
for desperation causes
or healing purposes?

Bottom of the end,
the womb of my birth,
establish my heart beat
and force my eyes open
with swift, new winds.