Hello again…. 

This week I feel like I am under the gun. Normally I have a  blog already written early in the week and I spend Thursday editing it, so it’s ready for Friday morning…. well it’s Thursday at 1:00pm and here I am scrambling to write. I really didn’t even know what to talk about this week. Though I have a list of  ten topics to blog about ready to go, I didn’t feel like any of them fit my mood this week. I tried to keep things light last week with my blog topic but I can’t suppress the fact that my heart is heavy this week. I’m sure most people in my life wouldn’t have any idea because I try to keep it well hidden. I feel like every where I turn: the news, Facebook, work, life, there is more and more sad news. Death, destruction, illness, sadness… it’s like evil is always at our heels. Even at the best of times I tend to get overwhelmed by my emotions because I take it all into my heart. Writing is the only way for me to take what I am feeling and put it into words. I am hopeless when it comes to talking out loud about my feelings and it isn’t because I don’t trust the people I love the most with my fears and worries… it is because I myself most of the time cannot understand them enough to try to explain how I am feeling. I have always been better at listening than talking.

I continue to search for understanding in this world…. it seems it is easier to be sad and angry then it is to be happy and hopeful. I know this isn’t always the case; one example this week is yesterday at work I received a call from one of our members who just called to thank me for helping him and doing a great job. He said he appreciated what I had done for him and wanted me to know. I appreciated his appreciation. 9 times out of 10 the calls I receive are from someone complaining about the rules in our office. Why? Why are we so quick to complain and so hesitant to compliment? I’m still trying to figure that one out!

My Dad put it best this week, “it seems most people in this world are living their lives asleep”. When we will wake up and see? We are destroying this precious and beautiful world with our need to consume and our hate. Fishing all our fish to extinction, disposing of our garbage in the ocean, clearing forests, people killing each other… when we will wake up and see we are capable and deserving of so much more?

It won’t be tomorrow, not a year from now, probably not even a decade from now. That doesn’t stop me from continuing to try to do better. I will still recycle as much as I can and try to produce less waste by using less plastic ; I will support those who advocate for protection of animals and Mother Nature; be more conscious of the products I purchase and the impact they make on the planet. But above all else, I will teach my son to appreciate this Earth, to search for ways to treat it with the respect it deserves and do better than his parents have, than his grandparents, than his great grandparents and to one day teach his children to be better than him. I will keep my hope that over the next few generations they will find a way to fix most of the destruction we have caused and  learn from our ignorance and neglect. I will hope maybe those generations yet to be will be born into this world, awake, and full of love for each other and our precious home. Hopefully they will see advancing technology isn’t the answer we thought it was but rather fuels greed and corruption.

I hope this enlightenment will happen before the wrath of our destructive ways is irreversible and the gift of this world burns.

I know we are capable of more, of better.

I pray we get the opportunity to prove it.

With a heavy but hopeful heart,

Melissa

Hi everyone, hope you are doing well post-Easter. This week I have been back to work six weeks already. Man times flies! I swear each week is faster than the last. It feels like just yesterday I was still pregnant and preparing to leave work for my new job as a Mommy.

On my last day of work before my maternity leave started, I remember walking out of my office and crying because I didn’t know how I would handle such a life change. Five days a week I’d get up and work in my office and now seven days I week I’d have no routine, no sleep, no idea what I was doing as a new Mommy and I was terrified. I love routine and a schedule; it keeps my anxiety in check when I know what to expect. Leaving for the unknown that day was a big moment in my life. It was difficult at first and Google became my life savior. I Googled everything! What do to for a fussy baby… How long should they be sleeping a day…How  many feedings should they have… and on and on. Even though this child has been growing inside of you for nine months, when they finally are born, you still are strangers. It took a while to learn how to anticipate his needs and what each cry meant. Once Dylan was a few months old and we got into some sort of routine, I loved my new Mommy life.

As long as a year sounds in your head, it isn’t long at all. Before I knew it my maternity leave was up and I had to return to work. Luckily they accepted me back on a one year contract working three days week, but once again I found myself filled with anxiety. For weeks leading up to my return to work date, I had many nights where I couldn’t sleep. I would be in bed all night with my eyes closed praying that I would fall asleep. Whenever I’m consumed with anxiety sleep is the first thing to go. I couldn’t help but obsess about what would happen to Dylan leaving his Mommy three days week. How would I feel? How would I deal with the guilt? What if I hated it? Was I making the right choice going back and leaving him? How would I balance being a working parent, being a Mommy at home, and continuing my writing career? It’s consuming.

The first few weeks were hard. There were some days when I missed him so much and almost let my emotions get the better of me. I felt guilty dropping him off at daycare when he was crying and reaching for me and I just walked away. I felt guilty when the daycare said he had a bad day and I actually had a good one at work. I enjoy adult conversation and connecting with my co-workers. Being a stay at home Mom is certainly lonely sometimes and I felt it. The only thing that brought me a small amount of comfort is the agreement I had with myself. I would give going back to work a three-month trial period. If after three months I hated being at work or Dylan still hadn’t adjusted to daycare, I would sit down, reassess our living situation and make the necessary sacrifices, so that both of us could be happy.

Six weeks in to my return I am happy to say I think we both are in a great place. I am enjoying my work life and Dylan is loving his daycare friends and activities and of course his time with Ome and Grandpa. I am still finding time some where in the mix of my crazy week to write. It’s certainly not the same time every week but I make time when I can. It is not easy. It’s beautiful outside right now and I’d love to enjoy some sun, but making time for my writing comes with its own set of sacrifices. BUT I am happy and at peace. For the first time in my life I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be. I am pursuing my writing which fulfills my creative side; I am a Mommy and wife which fulfills my heart; I am a worker which fulfills my intellectual side.

Some people love change and handle it well. I am not one of those people. I don’t deal with the unexpected well at all, but that is a whole other story for another day. However, I survived this change and will go forward until the next challenge comes. I feel like this is the point where the song by Destiny’s Child – Survivor should start playing in the background. I’m not gon give up I’m not gon stop I’m gon work harder. Ha, ha…

Anyways, it looks like my three-month review of our situation is going to go well. One day maybe I will be better at accepted change and maybe even be excited for it. For now, I will enjoy my new routine and expected schedule. That for me is good enough for now.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my blog and connect with me. 🙂

❤ Melissa

Hey everyone, hope this finds you well. I’ve finished my second week of returning to work. I handled it better than I thought I would. In the weeks leading up, I was so heartbroken thinking about leaving Dylan for the whole day three days a week. He’s slowly adjusting to the routine and I’m slowly trying to remember that I won’t be able to know every detail of his day while he’s at daycare. So hard!! I do enjoy having adult conversation while I’m at work and being able to stay seated for longer than five minutes but I so miss my time with Dylan. I love our daily activities and playing with him all day. I am so fortunate that I get Thursday and Friday with him and then weekends as a family with Daddy. I’d like to say that I appreciate my time with him more now, but I appreciated every second with him on maternity leave just as much. I really have never taken anything for granted because of everything we went through when I was pregnant. There was a time when we weren’t sure if his brain was developing properly, but so far he has been developing perfectly and more than we could have ever expected and I am so grateful. He is perfect! But I guess every mother says that about their children. Really, I feel so lucky to be his mommy.

In the midst of all of this, I’m still finding time to write my story, Unforeseen, though I’m finding it difficult too. I know where the story is headed but it is so difficult to jump in and out of the story every week. I should be writing every day to stay in the story with the characters but sadly it just isn’t possible. At best I can find two days a week to write for a few hours, three days on a really good week. The worst part is when I do get the time my mind wonders and tries to convince me to be doing other things. Procrastination! Yep my worst enemy. I’m always trying to fight it off and it’s always fighting just as hard back.

At the end of the day, I’m just proud of myself that I’m still writing. I’m still doing my best and my heart is still in the story. I’m happy with the way things are coming along even if it’s painfully slow. All good things are worth waiting for and nothing good comes easy. Life is a struggle, a beautiful struggle. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

❤ Melissa

I am running away and joining the circus. What part will I play? Juggler extraordinaire! I can hear the carnie introducing my act right now. Step right up folks, step right up, watch as the Magnificent Melissa struggles to juggle, a husband, a baby, two cats, family, friends, a house, laundry, dishes, her workout routine and rehab from her car accident,  her ever failing writing career and tornado of emotions and new for 2014 her daring return to work. Yes folks, don’t miss the chance to witness it all come crashing down around her.

My talent is not uniquely mine however; nope I share this talent with basically every person out there. We’re all just trying to make it through the day keeping the most amount of balls in the air as we can. The key is balance and I’m practicing really hard at it. Right now I feel like every morning I make a conscious decision as to what ball I’m keeping my eye on that day, today is laundry… so all the other balls get neglected and I deal with laundry. Tomorrow is writing… so the house is a mess, the laundry piled up, my husband neglected, I feel flabby cause I didn’t get my work out in which ultimately leads to those emotions trying to make a run for my attention, but nope I let that ball fall to the ground because today is not the day for tears and guilt and self-pity, but he’s a determined little guy and somehow I manage to pick it back up and throw it back into sequence because I always manage to find a few minutes for guilt because maybe I’m not doing enough and sadness because another day disappears and I haven’t given enough.

I juggle these items all to the rhythm of my one year old’s schedule.

Wake up: Ball one- Dylan, up it goes.

Dylan naps: Ball two- Clean up, in the air.

                       Ball three: Exercise- up.

                       Ball four: Shower, change, go go.

                       Ball five: Prep lunch, quick go.

Dylan wakes up: Ball two through five, crash down. Ball one, soaring in the air again.

                       Ball six: One outdoor activity lasting no more than 1.5 hours or ball one (Dylan) will certainly come crashing down but he won’t go quietly and no one wants to see Ball seven (Mommy emotional breakdown) make its way into rotation.

Juggle, juggle, crash, crash, juggle, crash and round in rotation we go. Most days I take the balls as they come, but even as I write this post I have a cat sitting to the left of me, a basket of laundry to the right and next to the laundry, the husband (neglected) and playing Candy Crush and the other cat between his legs and I can’t help but let that guilt ball fly, fly high because I have taken double the amount of time I thought I needed to write this post because I had to stick with my witty juggling analogy which takes a lot of thought to be clever when I could have just said… not enough of me to make every one happy and every thing on the to-do list accomplished.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pack my bag… I hear the circus is coming to town.

❤ Melissa