Hi everyone, hope you are doing well post-Easter. This week I have been back to work six weeks already. Man times flies! I swear each week is faster than the last. It feels like just yesterday I was still pregnant and preparing to leave work for my new job as a Mommy.
On my last day of work before my maternity leave started, I remember walking out of my office and crying because I didn’t know how I would handle such a life change. Five days a week I’d get up and work in my office and now seven days I week I’d have no routine, no sleep, no idea what I was doing as a new Mommy and I was terrified. I love routine and a schedule; it keeps my anxiety in check when I know what to expect. Leaving for the unknown that day was a big moment in my life. It was difficult at first and Google became my life savior. I Googled everything! What do to for a fussy baby… How long should they be sleeping a day…How many feedings should they have… and on and on. Even though this child has been growing inside of you for nine months, when they finally are born, you still are strangers. It took a while to learn how to anticipate his needs and what each cry meant. Once Dylan was a few months old and we got into some sort of routine, I loved my new Mommy life.
As long as a year sounds in your head, it isn’t long at all. Before I knew it my maternity leave was up and I had to return to work. Luckily they accepted me back on a one year contract working three days week, but once again I found myself filled with anxiety. For weeks leading up to my return to work date, I had many nights where I couldn’t sleep. I would be in bed all night with my eyes closed praying that I would fall asleep. Whenever I’m consumed with anxiety sleep is the first thing to go. I couldn’t help but obsess about what would happen to Dylan leaving his Mommy three days week. How would I feel? How would I deal with the guilt? What if I hated it? Was I making the right choice going back and leaving him? How would I balance being a working parent, being a Mommy at home, and continuing my writing career? It’s consuming.
The first few weeks were hard. There were some days when I missed him so much and almost let my emotions get the better of me. I felt guilty dropping him off at daycare when he was crying and reaching for me and I just walked away. I felt guilty when the daycare said he had a bad day and I actually had a good one at work. I enjoy adult conversation and connecting with my co-workers. Being a stay at home Mom is certainly lonely sometimes and I felt it. The only thing that brought me a small amount of comfort is the agreement I had with myself. I would give going back to work a three-month trial period. If after three months I hated being at work or Dylan still hadn’t adjusted to daycare, I would sit down, reassess our living situation and make the necessary sacrifices, so that both of us could be happy.
Six weeks in to my return I am happy to say I think we both are in a great place. I am enjoying my work life and Dylan is loving his daycare friends and activities and of course his time with Ome and Grandpa. I am still finding time some where in the mix of my crazy week to write. It’s certainly not the same time every week but I make time when I can. It is not easy. It’s beautiful outside right now and I’d love to enjoy some sun, but making time for my writing comes with its own set of sacrifices. BUT I am happy and at peace. For the first time in my life I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be. I am pursuing my writing which fulfills my creative side; I am a Mommy and wife which fulfills my heart; I am a worker which fulfills my intellectual side.
Some people love change and handle it well. I am not one of those people. I don’t deal with the unexpected well at all, but that is a whole other story for another day. However, I survived this change and will go forward until the next challenge comes. I feel like this is the point where the song by Destiny’s Child – Survivor should start playing in the background. I’m not gon give up I’m not gon stop I’m gon work harder. Ha, ha…
Anyways, it looks like my three-month review of our situation is going to go well. One day maybe I will be better at accepted change and maybe even be excited for it. For now, I will enjoy my new routine and expected schedule. That for me is good enough for now.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my blog and connect with me. 🙂