Happy Friday once again my friends. Hope you have been well. This week I have been reflecting on change in life, mostly because well I am about to have a huge change in my life. This was my last week at work before my maternity leave starts. I finished Wednesday. One of the things I love to do most in life is observe and dissect people; I’m not sure if it’s the writer in me trying to pick apart people to create more realistic characters or whether it is simply just my own curiosity about how people think. Either way I have been watching people close to me and monitoring their reactions to the change in my life. It’s so interesting how everyone deals so differently with life situations. Some pushed me away keeping me a distance and some clung to me trying to spend as much time as possible before I left. All the time while watching others, I was still trying to figure out how I felt about everything. By nature I am a creature of habit. I like routine. I like knowing what to expect (as much as possible) of the next day. Minimizing the unknowns, brings me comfort and balance. Having a baby has to be one of the greatest way to throw all routine and knowing to the wayside. Yet here I am, three weeks give or take away from another great, wonderful, scary unknown change in my life and I’m still dancing the line of denial. Yes, the room is 90% ready, yes my bag is 90% packed, yes I just finished my last of work, yes I have a game plan for the next couple weeks to get some extra sleep in, cleaning and all the things that I won’t be able to do…. but… I just can’t bring myself to go the full 100% to completion. I think this is my last defiant stand against change, as if I have some control over it at this point. Ha! As if I don’t pack that last item in my hospital bag, this baby can’t come yet. Delusional? Probably. I am well aware that life shows us over and over again that the only thing we can count on is change and change will come when life demands it, not us necessarily. Everyone has been asking me, so are you ready? My answer… well sure if my baby came today I suppose you would say I am ready, but in my mind, I am not, I am only 90% ready.
This morning my son woke up stupid early from a bad dream. A cat was chasing him and he was scared. I eventually got him back down in his crib, but my mind was furious with thoughts of my life to come. There was no going back to sleep for me, so I sat alone on the couch in a dark, quiet house. As my laptop was starting up, I couldn’t help but think perhaps this time in a few weeks I would be doing the exact same thing only it wouldn’t be a laptop it would be my newborn in my arms. I remember those early mornings with my first son; so early it felt the world hadn’t even opened its eyes yet. There the two of us were snuggled together in a blanket and I would just stare at him in awe and love. No distractions, no sounds, no people… those moments were just ours and ours alone. Before I know it, with an exhausted body, blood-shot eyes, craving just fifteen more minutes of sleep, I will sit alone in a quiet, dark room with my baby and steal a few moments for just the two of us, together. In those moments I know I will realize despite my doubt and never-ending worry, perhaps, just maybe, secretly, I really was 100% ready all along to give myself fully to another tiny human. Maybe I am not so bad at this change thing after all.
Time, short time, will tell. Thank you for stopping by and reading. Until next time! May life bring you sweet, wonderful happy change.