Why My Heart Shatters

There are the happy moments in life; those moments seemingly frozen in time in your memory… the day you got married, got your acceptance letter from the university you wanted to attend, your first steps on a tropical beach. These are the ones we like to think about as much as possible. But on the other hand, there are also the bad ones; the really bad, heartbreaking, life altering ones. Those are the ones we try to avoid thinking about, but when you’re inside it, in those terrible times, that’s all you can think about.  I am in one of those times. I wasn’t going to blog this week, heck I probably wasn’t going to blog next week or the week after. I was going to avoid it because when I write it forces me to sit down and self reflect. Then I take that self-reflection and put it down on paper; my emotions raw, staring me in the face.

Last Friday was an awful day. One I can’t forget since. I relive those moments over and over again in my mind. The day I had to say goodbye to my beloved cat. To some a cat is just a cat, but to those close who knew my cat, he wasn’t just any cat. He was an amazing soul. He was so sweet and so loving that he made people want to be around him. Simba had such a calm, quiet nature. He just wanted to be near you, to be stroked a little while, maybe steal some food off your dinner plate. On sunny, warm days he just wanted to lay out in the grass, peacefully observing the world go by. Simba is the fur baby love of my life.

A few months ago his health started to decline; I could see it but couldn’t admit it. I told myself that he was just adjusting to life with a newborn in our house again. He started losing weight; his beautiful orange coat that he always kept in perfect condition was starting to look messy; his nose went from a cotton candy pink to brownish. In my heart I knew what was happening, but it couldn’t happen. I wasn’t ready for it. Sure he was fourteen and a half years old and had a medical condition, seizures more specifically that he had to take meds for to keep them to a minimum; meds which cause liver damage. Another day would pass and I would see him get weaker but I had to write it off to just a bump in his road and he would get better. The next week would come and he would be weaker still; it was ever more obvious he wasn’t doing well. Then early last week he started having seizures every day, some times twice a day and I realised the end was nearing. I knew he had to go to the vet, so we scheduled an appointment for him. The morning of his appointment I spent every spare moment I had cuddling him and talking to him. I knew there was a good chance he wouldn’t be coming home. But when the time came for him to go, I said goodbye, but not like forever goodbye because I told myself maybe he just needed a check up, some meds and he would be just fine. I must have checked my phone a thousand times in that thirty minutes waiting to hear from my husband. When I finally read the news, it was the worst case scenario. He was dying. There was nothing else we could do for him. My husband and I agreed we would take him home one more night and have him put down the following afternoon. I will spare most of the details from that night and the next day partly because it is still too hard to write about and partly because those are moments I want to keep special between me and my kitty. I will say however one of the hardest things I ever had to do was put him in his carrier to watch him leave. I knew I would never share another snuggle or give him another kiss ever again. Having him apart of my life was over. And my heart shattered while I sobbed. I kept telling him over and over again how much I loved him, how sorry I was this was happening to him and how much I would miss him always. And I do terribly. I see his presence everywhere still. I see him sitting in the kitchen eating from his bowl, I see him sleeping in the corner of my closet, I see him running through the grass in the backyard and yet I see him not there at all. A piece of my life is missing and they say it will get better. People have told me one day I will think of him and smile instead of cry. But I am not there yet.

I am not really sure what this life is all about; I’m not really sure why people and animals are placed in our lives only to be ripped away from us. It is pretty harsh. I only know this is just how it is. It’s all just temporary. I don’t say that trying to be depressing or morbid rather I say it because again I was reminded of the beauty and frailty of life. I was blessed with an amazing furry friend who enriched my life for over fourteen years and am terribly sad that chapter of my life had to end. But I can only keep going on and appreciating the people in my life still. I am just taking it day by day and enjoying the quiet times with my sons. I cuddle them a little longer, kiss them more often because those are the times I can forget the sadness and just smile.

To my sweet kitty out there somewhere, may you rest in peace and be free. No more pain anymore. You will always be in my heart Simba.