I Killed Her. She’s Dead.

20160315_152311.jpgI stood above her: breath bated, fingers itching. I stood, staring, anxiously waiting for her once again to shine her light upon me.

I swear I tried to revive her. I pounded my fists upon her, once, twice, a hundred times. I screamed to her come back to me… please come back to me. I bowed my head towards her to whisper softly how I regretted my actions. How I wished I could take it all back. If I could rewind time, just the last forty five minutes. That small measure of time is all I needed back. I would have never shoved her hastily in that grey bag, sealing it up shut. Never would I have tossed her in the back of my car, buried beneath bags and bags of stuff, concealing her. As I screeched out of the driveway, I relived our moments together. The years we shared. How connected we were. Those intimate moments when my fingers tips were upon her, my eyes locked in gaze upon her light. She was always there for me just waiting idioly until I wanted her. Casually I’d slide back into the couch and place her on my lap, feeling her warmth against my thighs. Together in these moments we’d create magic. Our own world. We’d explore together. Learn together. Create together.

All of that was over now. I knew it but wasn’t ready to accept it. I unzipped the bag and yanked her out. I knew instantly something was wrong. She wasn’t the same. She was too hot to the touch. She’d always been sensitive to temperature. But please no… I need her. Please come back to life. I thought to myself in those panicked moments waiting for her to respond. But there was nothing, only black. She made one last groan and I knew she was gone. Gone. My haste has cost me. My carelessness. I thought she’d make the short car trip. I thought she’d be okay.

R.I.P. my beautiful Sony Vaio. So many stories, poems, blogs we have shared. All the late night hours creating my website, the secret stalking on Facebook and endless pinning on Pinterest. All of that is over now. I never thought to power her down before I quickly stuffed her into my laptop bag. It was just a quick drive. No big deal. But she was suffocated on that fateful car trip. Ugh!!! Fickle computers one minute you’re there typing away and the next they give you the black screen of death.

I haven’t replaced her yet. I’m not ready to move on. Secretly I think if I try one more time maybe by some miracle she’ll turn on. But I know deep down this won’t come true. She’s gone for good. Her hard drive filled with my work she’s keeping locked up… for now anyways. I’ve scheduled an autopsy for her soon. We’ll get the information I need from her then.

And I had to write this blog from my phone. It stinks. Sorry if it’s not up to standard. My options for posting are limited on my phone app. Better limited than not at all. Anyone interested in a laptop shaped paper weight? In good used condition. Ha, ha. Oh boy…. time to search for a new laptop. A new chapter.

Until next time, with a heavy heart and empty laptop bag,

❤ Melissa

Confessions Of A Hot Housewife

By hot I actually mean because I have an iron in my hand. Hot iron. Ha ha! Get it? Just before I sat down at my laptop to write this blog, I was admiring the fruits of my labour today: my staggering pile of freshly ironed laundry. I should mention 99% of it belongs to my husband. All his work shirts and work pants, crisply pressed by yours truly. As I stood above my beige ironing board with my hot pink iron in hand (yes it really is hot pink), my mind wondered, wondered way back to the 1950’s. Somehow in this moment I imagined myself to be a 1950’s housewife. Here I was with my two sweet boys peacefully adrift in dreamworld during their naps, laundry eagerly awaiting my hot iron touch and my scratch made spaghetti sauce simmering slowly on the stove top. None of my work clothes are in the pile to be ironed because I am not working. My current work gear so to speak consists of jeans (on a good day), a t-shirt (preferably one without baby puke on it) and a cardigan (usually lying in a pile of wrinkled dirty clothes on my bedroom floor). Back in the day housewives work wear was far more glamorous: girly, full-skirted dresses, white gloves, fuzzy high-heeled slippers, a string of elegant pearls draped around their necks. Indeed I have always been a fan of the 50’s fashion. I have been wearing pearl necklaces most of my life; accumulated quite the collection of pearl jewelry as well as an impressive collection of vintage brooches. A few years ago, my girlfriends and I got together for a 50’s themed party where we all dressed up and spent hours drinking wine and taking photos of us. Taking photos, that’s kind of a thing for us on girls night. That party was by far one of my favorites. I felt so pretty, ravishingly ladylike even. 420849_10151355350460398_2092417510_n

I admire women back then for their fashion. Though most people talk about how life was so much more simple back then; how it must have been easier for families because they could afford for the wives to stay home to raise the children and care for the home. I’m not sure I fully agree with that statement. Yes I am proud that I can iron clothes with the best of them and that usually four out of five work days I have dinner on or almost on the table by the time my husband comes home, but all the while I am always exceedingly aware I have far more opportunities and options for my modern housewife life. I am capable of anything and everything. I run my house well; I continue my passion as a writer; I, when not on maternity leave, work to bring income into this house to help provide the lifestyle my family has become accustom to. I am always looking for opportunities to better myself be it taking a course to further my education or spending time searching Pinterest to find the perfect DIY project or dinner recipe. It’s not frowned upon in this era for a woman to be everything she wants. Though being a housewife is more than enough of a job most of the time, I just want to say it is a great feeling to have choices. So yes I would raid the closet of a 1950’s housewife any day and maybe I should wear red lipstick a little more often, but I am thankful for being a modern day housewife with all its glorious potential.

Oh! Baby crying… snap back from my 50’s day dream… time for Mommy duty. But where oh where did I leave that tube of red lipstick… Que Sera Sera!

Until next time, 

Melissa

Return To Words: Big News!

QuoteWow… having a newborn can really make time fly! Five months have passed since my last post. I can’t believe it. This is the first moment I’ve had to sit down and open my laptop to my website. Yes, I also forgot how much work babies are. They are glorious, amazing, time and energy absorbing people; so demanding and rewarding. My second sweet boy arrived October 14th, leisurely at his own pace after over twenty six hours of labour. It almost felt like he was never going to come out. But he did. He has filled our lives with perfect little smiles and laughter; his easy going personality is so welcomed; however, he still requires so much of my love and attention. I have been so enjoying adjusting to my life as a mommy again. I get to love two fantastic boys, watch them grow and reciprocate love for each other. I feel incredibly lucky. Of course these two boys consume 99% of my time, day and all night, so that doesn’t leave much time for myself. Here is my blog… standing idol… waiting for me. I miss it terribly. I miss writing. I miss reading. I would miss my time with my boys more, so I wouldn’t trade a second. Somehow having my second son, I appreciate the time with my kids way more than I did before. I see how increasingly fast time goes and how it slips so quickly through my fingers. There will come a day where they both won’t need me at night time to feed and cuddle them; there will come a day when they don’t need help bathing; there will come a day where they won’t grab my hand and ask me to come play trucks and cars with them; there will come a day when they will grow up and I will just be left with the memories of my precious moments with them as babies. I will not rush it. I won’t wish it away or try to make them grow up faster than they need to. I am relishing every single second with them, every morning I get to bring them into my bed and snuggle with them while the world outside waits; every night I go into their rooms one last time before I go to bed to kiss them and tuck them in. I love it, love, love, love it. I love being a Mom more than I could have ever imagined possible. Writing is my hobby… maybe one day my career… but being a Mom… that is my calling. I truly feel like being a Mom to these two special little boys is what I was brought here to do. They are my everything. With that said, I will be back when the mood strikes and words come spilling out my heart. For now, my boys are sleeping… yes at the same time… YES that is super rare these days… and here I am with rare time on my hands thinking of them. Which leads me to, I have added a new category to my blog, “The Mommy Chronicles” because I’m afraid as much as I love talking about reading and writing, babies and baby stuff are all consuming right now on my brain, so perhaps I will go with it and write about it. Mom life. My life. Let’s see where it goes! Thanks for coming back again! Stick around.

❤ Melissa

Ever Constant Change…

change quoteHappy Friday once again my friends. Hope you have been well. This week I have been reflecting on change in life, mostly because well I am about to have a huge change in my life. This was my last week at work before my maternity leave starts. I finished Wednesday. One of the things I love to do most in life is observe and dissect people; I’m not sure if it’s the writer in me trying to pick apart people to create more realistic characters or whether it is simply just my own curiosity about how people think. Either way I have been watching people close to me and monitoring their reactions to the change in my life. It’s so interesting how everyone deals so differently with life situations. Some pushed me away keeping me a distance and some clung to me trying to spend as much time as possible before I left. All the time while watching others, I was still trying to figure out how I felt about everything. By nature I am a creature of habit. I like routine. I like knowing what to expect (as much as possible) of the next day. Minimizing the unknowns, brings me comfort and balance. Having a baby has to be one of the greatest way to throw all routine and knowing to the wayside. Yet here I am, three weeks give or take away from another great, wonderful, scary unknown change in my life and I’m still dancing the line of denial. Yes, the room is 90% ready, yes my bag is 90% packed, yes I just finished my last of work, yes I have a game plan for the next couple weeks to get some extra sleep in, cleaning and all the things that I won’t be able to do…. but… I just can’t bring myself to go the full 100% to completion. I think this is my last defiant stand against change, as if I have some control over it at this point. Ha! As if I don’t pack that last item in my hospital bag, this baby can’t come yet. Delusional? Probably. I am well aware that life shows us over and over again that the only thing we can count on is change and change will come when life demands it, not us necessarily. Everyone has been asking me, so are you ready? My answer… well sure if my baby came today I suppose you would say I am ready, but in my mind, I am not, I am only 90% ready. 

This morning my son woke up stupid early from a bad dream. A cat was chasing him and he was scared. I eventually got him back down in his crib, but my mind was furious with thoughts of my life to come. There was no going back to sleep for me, so I sat alone on the couch in a dark, quiet house. As my laptop was starting up, I couldn’t help but think perhaps this time in a few weeks I would be doing the exact same thing only it wouldn’t be a laptop it would be my newborn in my arms. I remember those early mornings with my first son; so early it felt the world hadn’t even opened its eyes yet. There the two of us were snuggled together in a blanket and I would just stare at him in awe and love. No distractions, no sounds, no people… those moments were just ours and ours alone. Before I know it, with an exhausted body, blood-shot eyes, craving just fifteen more minutes of sleep, I will sit alone in a quiet, dark room with my baby and steal a few moments for just the two of us, together. In those moments I know I will realize despite my doubt and never-ending worry, perhaps, just maybe, secretly, I really was 100% ready all along to give myself fully to another tiny human. Maybe I am not so bad at this change thing after all. 

Time, short time, will tell. Thank you for stopping by and reading. Until next time! May life bring you sweet, wonderful happy change. 

❤ Melissa

Where I Stood A Year Ago

Happy Friday everyone. I am so excited to be busy prepping for our family trip this weekend; our son’s first camping trip. It’s going to be fun. As happy as I am about that, I was a little bummed this week. I received an email earlier this week from the Whistler Writer’s Festival talking about Laurence Hill headlining and also reminding that tickets go on sale August 10. This time last year I was counting down the days to the release of the weekend schedule, so I could snap up my tickets to the events as soon as possible. This year I am sadden to say that I won’t be able to attend the festival, but for one very good, very exciting reason… I will be having a baby!! I can’t imagine I will be able to go to the festival with a newborn attached to me. So that is my exciting, secret news I have been keeping from you, with the exception of my family and close friends who already know of course, but now my online writer friends know too. Yep, I’m pregnant and due October 10, 2015. Of course having a baby is a huge blessing and we couldn’t be more excited to add another member our family, but having a newborn means making small sacrifices for me. My writing being priority is definitely one of those sacrifices… unfortunately I fear my work will have to simmer on the back burner for a bit while I adjust to life with a newborn again and it also means that I won’t be able to attend the Whistler Writer’s Festival this year. However, I do have intentions to attend next year and can’t wait. I also have full intentions to continuing my blog while in full new mommy-hood again, but it could be a little sporadic in the beginning until our family settles into its amazing expansion.

So a year ago I stood so excited to embrace my first writer’s festival, ready to commit to learn and indulge in the full experience being inspired by other writers. This year I stand so excited to embrace my role again as a mother and the special connection and experience I will share with my next child. It is amazing the change in focus a year can bring, from personal growth to family growth. The difference a year makes!

So there you go! Hope you’ll stay with me on my continued journey.It’s sure to be fun and busy!! Thanks for stopping by. I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!

Til next time!

❤ Melissa

With All The Wrong Words

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you all have had a great week. Last week Wednesday was my birthday, so I definitely was spoiled with love and a nice family weekend away on Vancouver Island. So I can’t complain. I was actually so inspired by love that I have been working on a poem called Beacon this week. Working really hard, but not finding the right words to express the love in my heart. The poem is inspired by the love I have for my son. I wanted to write it to express how deeply I feel about him and how he changed my life the moment he came into it. The difficulty is explaining the feeling of love between a mother and her child in words; it seems almost impossible. The words I find on the screen are just underwhelming, so I think this will be a poem that will have to wait to see the light of day. I don’t want to post something that I am not completely happy and proud of, so I will spend a few more weeks perfecting it. I know when I give myself enough space and time and listen to the right inspirational music, the words will follow. I just need to get out of my head and just let the words fall on to the page.

I’ve been finding it difficult these days to get any words down on the page. I wouldn’t call it a case of writer’s block as much as a case of distractions. My mind is running one hundred miles per minute on a million other things, so it’s been rough trying to clear those thoughts to let my writing shine through. This happens to me all the time when daily life consumes me and takes over causing me to find many reasons not to be able to sit down at the computer and write. Given that I look at my writing as just as hobby, it is far too easy to say it takes lowest priority on my to-do list. I actually spent some time on Pinterest yesterday (yes Pinterest is a total time sucking vortex for me) looking for some inspirational writing quotes. I find reading words of wisdom really helps me accept that I am limited by myself only and that others feel the same way I do, but then they dust off themselves, dry their tears and begin to type again. One quote that I liked was, “Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.” – Louis L’Amour. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Ernest Hemingway, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” So very true!

On that note, my son is requesting my attention now, so I must go. The day must go on. You have a wonderful weekend and hope you get to make magical memories with your family and friends. Cheers to searching for the right words! 

Until next time!

❤ Melissa

On A Tired Whim

Screenshot 2015-06-05 09.12.23Hi everyone, happy Friday! Hope all is well in your lives. This week I wanted to give you a warning; something I learned the hard way. Do not search Groupon on your IPAD, late at night after a long, tiring day. No good will come of it. You will end up feeling emotional and purchase something on a whim. Like me!

May 22, 2015, 10:19pm: I am alone in my bed. Hubby was away for the weekend; kiddo was sound asleep in his bedroom; my cats curled up on the floor. I had a few moments to myself to relax before I shut my eyes to fall asleep. My finger somehow found the Groupon icon on my IPAD, I’ll just look a few quick minutes, just to see. I tell myself. Suddenly there I am scrolling through “Top Deals For You”… let’s see how well you know me Groupon

“Spa Package, Massage, Facial, Manicure”.. sure that would be nice.

“Engraved Magnetic Bottle opener”… meh, no thanks.

“Oil Change”… yeah that reminds me I need to check my mileage tomorrow.

“Three Day Juice Cleanse”.. always on my “I gotta do that” list.

“Online Children’s Story Writing Certification”… okay you got my attention now *click*

$19 for a 18 module online writing course detailing how to write a children’s book. And I’m thinking aw, wouldn’t it be so nice for me to write a story for my son. A story he could cherish and one day pass down to his kids. He would love that. He loves to read; every night we read together. My heart is bursting with excitement now thinking about all the things he loves that I could create into a story… about construction machines, about our cats, about himself on a wild adventure, about trains… so many possibilities. None I had seriously considered before; it never occurred to me that I would want or could create a children’s book before. I didn’t know how to start. This Groupon could get me there. It would get me there. It would give me the tools to give an amazing and precious gift to my son.

Before I knew it, I had added it to my cart and was on my way to check out. Purchase! It was done and now this Groupon was mine, under “My Groupons” awaiting the chance to be redeemed. I didn’t regret it, but I was laughing about it the next morning when I woke up. Just another thing to add to my summer to-do list. Start and finish Children’s Book Writing Class. While I do always enjoy learning and make a point to take a class every other year or so, maybe this summer wasn’t the greatest idea to put more on my plate. But hey, I wouldn’t be me unless my plate was overflowing! 

So coming from someone who over-analyzes everything, who obsesses about every possibility before purchasing anything… if you’re looking for a way to spend some cash without much thought, do it on Groupon late at night. Ha, ha! You’ll end up with a cart full in no time.  So here’s to another adventure, another chance to learn something new and to do something for my son. I promise to keep you posted of my progress with the course and the end result! Thanks for stopping by. Hope it is as sunny whenever you are as it is here where I am. Enjoy your weekend!

❤ Melissa