Emotional Recklessness

QuoteHappy Friday! It’s a bittersweet Friday for me. I’m happy because it is the weekend, but I’m anxious because it’s Friday already. I feel like it was an hour ago that I was scrambling last week to get a post up and here I am again this week in full panic mode. This is no way to write, under all that pressure. It took me all of today obsessing about it and repeating in my mind… you have nothing to say… you have nothing to say… you’re going to skip this week… I know it… you’re going to fail yourself and post a big fat nothing.

I am emotionally reckless. I am tearing my writer self apart for not prioritizing my writing more. Even during the crazy rush of Christmas, I didn’t feel this far behind. The days are literally slipping through my fingers. My son Dylan was sick at the end of last week and the beginning of this week, so he was needy. He only wanted Mommy snuggles at bedtime which is usually when Dad takes over and I can get a few moments to myself. I have been working hard on trying to get a family trip to Kelowna organized and booked. That is not an easy task with nine of us involved. My house is a train wreck, almost to the point where I was considering moving to save myself the hours and hours of cleaning it. That took up a huge chunk of my day yesterday and will again today. I looked into it… it was too expensive to move, so I had to clean. I have to do a bunch of planning still for Dylan’s party including some baking this weekend. The only break I got so far this week was a couple of hours to write my book. Although I was trying to come up with every distraction I could before I convinced myself to sit down and write. But I did. Slowly and steadily the word count is growing. 36,272 words written!

Even my office job is so busy at the moment that it can get overwhelming at times. The only time at work when I feel like I can get a moment to breathe is when I spend my hour lunch break in the gym. Thank God for that quiet alone time to myself. Our gym is the size of a closet but it is functional and ninety-nine percent of the time I am alone.

All of this is making me feel edgy and anxious. Especially writing my weekly blog. It is probably just a phase I am going through, but I feel like I have lost direction and focus here. I am not sure what my message is. I want to share my poems and book reviews. The blogs in between are just my random thoughts relating to life and writing. Is that enough to sustain me? Am I talking about things people want to read about? Am I saying something people can relate to? Oh those self-doubt demons are lurking around me. They are wanting me to make excuses and give up. It is easier to run and hide then stay and fight. I am emotional reckless:, tired, scared, anxious, happy, frustrated, overwhelmed, hopeful.

I am going to end this week on hopeful. I am hopeful above all the rest. Hopeful in my heart I know the direction I am taking my writing. Hopeful I am capable of maintaining balance. Hopeful I can continue to forgive myself when I don’t. Hopeful I remember I am human and am I doing the best I can at each moment of my life.

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❤ Melissa

Three Weeks Into 2015 – Am I On Track?

Hi everyone, happy Friday once again! Hope you all had a good week. I am busy juggling my many balls in the air these days. I re-read my first blog of the year and reminded myself of my focuses. I am three weeks into the New Year already and I’m pretty much on track. Well not on everything, but one thing at a time. For the first time since I was in high school, I entered my work into a writing contest. I entered a short story contest and was really pumped about it. I should hear by the end of February if I won anything, but that would just be the icing on the cake. I was just proud that I built up the courage to submit my short story in the first place. I will be sure to keep you posted when and if I hear anything. I also managed to write another five hundred words in my book. Although it’s not a lot for three weeks of time, I remind myself there are only twenty-four hours in a day and I probably should sleep for at least seven of them… so my time is limited. Even though I may not actually be writing words down in Word, the story is very much alive in my mind and I am always thinking about scenarios to write and the direction of the characters. That has to count towards it too. Every day at least once I think about my story.

Keeping up with my blog once a week takes quite a bit of my free time too because I have to think about what to write about, write it, edit it and post it somewhere between Thursday morning and Friday morning. That is tight space considering I spend the whole day with my little man who is also trying to get and hold my attention. This week actually I was almost certain I wasn’t going to get this up… but here it is. My New Year Focus is still holding. Yay me! Self high-five. My family focus is well on track too. My son’s second birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and that is certainly occupying a lot of space in my mind. I am thinking of special things we can do together on his actual birthday and I am planning a party for him the following Saturday. I said I wasn’t going to go overboard… but I was just fooling myself. I believe this will be controlled overboard though. I think. No I’m pretty sure. I will plan two activities for the kids and have got most of his decorations already, so check on the list.

AND – somewhere in between all this stuff I am still finding time to read my newest book from ‘Blogging For Books’. The 13th Gift by Joanne Huist Smith- book review to come. This time I think I’ll actually finish the book too. Ha! The emotional turmoil of the family reeling from the loss of their husband/father has sucked me in. Stay tuned for that.

TGIF! Have yourself a very happy weekend.

❤ Melissa

2015! Out With The Old, Focus On The New

amazing-hope-quotes-sayings-pictures-5-24e753a7Happy New Year!! 2015: the bright, new, un-corrupted, full of promise. Everything is still yet to be this year and once again I am filled with hope. The beginning of a new year always makes me reflective, as I’m sure it does many, but more so it fills me with hope. Hope this year will be the best one yet. I am not really one to set New Years resolutions because more often than not people set unreasonable expectations of themselves and when they don’t succeed at them within the first couple weeks, they give up. Change requires devotion and hard work. Instead of setting resolutions, I set focus for the year. I do a little soul-searching and review the good and the bad of my year prior taking into consideration what I’d really like to achieve in the next year. Some times I set a main focus and then a few minor focuses. I’ve been spending the last few days reviewing my choices for focus this year. Of course continuing my writing is one on the list. I definitely want to finish writing my novel this year. It’s super important to me to complete it. It’s also important to continue my blog, but I also feel like I need to focus more on promoting myself. I was content in 2014 just to write and post, but keep myself some what in the shadows of writing still. I really wasn’t quite ready to shout from the rooftops, “Hey World, here’s my blog…. read it!” I’ve been playing it way too cautious and doing a disservice to myself; I feel like I do have a message to share with the world and my words have a positive impact on those who read them, so I should really try harder to put myself out there more often. Write Novel and Promote blog: focus number one and two.

My younger brother is getting married in May, which I am super excited about, so the wedding will definitely be a main focus, which naturally leads me to family. I want to spend more time sharing memories with our families. Busy and conflicting schedules makes it a challenge, but one I need to focus more on. I am certainly looking forward to being a bridesmaid and helping plan all the fun wedding related events. Family: Focus Three

Volunteer work is another task that has been on my mind lately. I feel like I haven’t given back enough to my community. Working part-time and being a Mom limits my time quite a bit, so I couldn’t commit myself to a part-time volunteer position, but there are lots of one day community events that go on all throughout the year that I really want to take part in. One of them I found last year was an environment clean up event where you can sign up to go clean up garbage down by the river near our house. Helping clean up our world and keep it a beautiful place for our next generations is one of the most important things to me and I want to instill those environmentally conscious beliefs in my son as well. A river clean up day is something we both can do together to help make a difference. Volunteer work: Focus Four.

2014 was rocky at times for my family and we lost great people. I am looking forward to starting 2015 with a fresh and positive attitude. I will try hard every day to be humble and thankful for every breath of this life. I will focus on the good and the great and leave all the negative and bad behind in 2014. I wish all of you reading the best love and laughter 2015 has to offer. I hope you conquer your dreams and your fears. I hope many wonderful things will come to you and your families. I look forward to taking each day, one at a time with the bravest of smiles on my face and the brightest of light and love filling my heart. 

To my amazing family and friends near and far, happiest new year! I love you all.

2015 here I come!

❤ Melissa